if you can't handle my PINKNESS, then you shouldn't be here

if you can't handle my PINKNESS, then you shouldn't be here
loves all things pink

ME

My photo
I live life enjoying as much as possible by enjoying the outdoors, savouring dinner with the family, having fun with friends, or seeing my little sister smile. I understand the value of a penny and that hard work pays off. I am very ambitious and driven and have set goals for myself to achieve. I can be very serious but yet I have a fun personality to have a good time. I feel that life is a huge journey and the key to a successful life is to live in the moment and not dwell on the past! i am an optimist. I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer. I love to just go outside and contemplate life while I feel the breeze in my hair and the sun kiss my cheeks! I hope to travel the world one day because there is so much beauty to see in the world. i get bored easily(something i'm not proud of). I am a huge roller coaster and adrenalin junkie and I just love life! i'm a great public speaker. i'm a person who tries to be the best i can be. :D i am also a feminist. a HUGE fan of oprah winfrey. lastly, i'm going to be a history maker.

Saturday, 24 August 2013

Solidarity

The loneliness strikes me like darkness strikes the wolf. My cries of anguish only heard by the moon. How does one feel so vulnerable and lonely in a room full of people, jubilant and yet so ignorant to your cries?

The transition from happiness to loneliness is so real and so painful. Every bit of feeling that keeps you alive is drained and leaves you hanging in the air, desperately grasping for something you could hold on to. 

I can't feel anymore. I had a second of happiness earlier, but it felt like it was grabbed away from me. When happiness is grabbed away, it leaves a hole, which turns into a black-hole that drains everything out, and you feel numb again.

Numbness. It can be comforting, it can be depressing. It is there, it is always there with me, feels like my only true companion.Maybe you know loneliness as well, maybe it is your only companion, or maybe you used to know loneliness.Then you would know the comfort, solidarity and sense of security it gives you. Like when a mother puts her child to sleep, or when she holds you close to her bosom, that sense of security, only it doesn't liberate, it doesn't give you the freedom to be blissful. 

 But even with that sense of security, it is difficult to feel alive again. 

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself that I am real, I am here, and I will get over it.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Don't you dare run away, girl.

I don't know why I did what I did.
Today I went out for my evening run like usual. It was a normal day, I go out for my evening run on every other day.
But to go out for my evening run, I will have to walk to the nearest park which is a few hundred meters away from my place. And yeah I have received my fair share of "take care of yourself", "beware of your surroundings" and "keep your ears open while walking to the park." I don't like it being told what to do and I try to ignore it at most times.
Today as I was walking to the park, an elderly lady stopped me and said "Be careful."
JUST THAT.
I was annoyed of course. But I smiled and walked on. I'm sure she meant be careful of stray dogs because she was walking alone as well, but she had a stick in her hand. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she meant the dogs.
But I was so annoyed. My walk to the park wasn't peaceful after that.
I couldn't even complete my evening run because of what happened next.
As I was running, I noticed three men staring at me.
Everyone knows that I am not the kind to tolerate such rubbish.
I DO NOT conform to fear and antagonism.
What I would have had done was this:
Jog past them, but just before doing so stop before them and glare and them with hand on hips(angry mom style, works psychologically!), prompting them to either look away in shame or say something. If they say something other than "sorry", they WILL receive the wrath of an angry feminist.
BUT I DID NOT DO THAT TODAY.
I was annoyed at myself. Instead of doing just that, I jogged away from them using my throbbing headache as an excuse to avoid confrontation.
But it wasn't the headache. I know it(well, it was only partly because of the headache).
My what was supposed to be a peaceful evening run in an attempt for me to reconnect with the surroundings in the excitement of life was disrupted by a simple message; a message that agitated me; a message of fear. That lady's simple words caused me to go to that park in such a mentality.

So many times we have been told as females, to be careful, to always be aware, to wear appropriate clothing so we do not provoke any trouble for ourselves, because we are delicate beings aren't we? We need to be protected. We cannot be exposed in this cruel world. Our brain is not as top notch as compared to a male brain. We do not have the ability to defend ourselves physically.

WHAT ARE WE? DUMB AND WEAK?

No, YOU do not look at us like we're a piece of meat, YOU do not cause trouble for us, YOU keep your thingamajig in your pants.

I am sick of victim-blaming mentality which is caused by the typical mentality that females are inferior and must therefore NEVER provoke anything.
Yes, I am talking about YOU. You think that way, females and males likely.

I am sick of having my freedom taken away from me constantly. But that is not as exhausting as FIGHTING against my freedom being taken away from me constantly. For example, in college, we are not allowed to wear anything above the knee. It disgusts me, and I do my best to fight it. But in college, it is me against the whole school. I am ANGRY and I am exhausted. But I know that I am not the type to give up on this fight. The anger is my fuel. And the fight is my passion. No, so if you expect me to give up and give in, that will NEVER happen, because this fight is my LIFE.

I realize I must be able to forgive myself for this mistake I made today for avoiding the confrontation. It is going to take some time because I am still quite annoyed that I let that SEXIST message get to my head, but I will do it. :)
BUT,
if I see three men staring at me again, I will NOT run away.

Monday, 3 June 2013

Life summed up

There's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. She is being dissipated into the gulf of terror. It is consuming her from the inside. She tries to scream but she can't be heard. She tries to move but she is pinned down. She tries to breathe but a hand is suffocating her.

She looks at this hand. Red like her perpetrator's bloodshot eyes. Her brain is numb and her throat dry. All she can do is wriggle in that pinned down position.

She wants to reach out, and she does, but nobody is helping her. She looks around. Some are in worse pain than her.

She then looks down. Her hand is on someone else's chest. A man, she's ripping his heart off his chest. She doesn't understand and yet she doesn't care. It is obvious he is in much pain. At a lower position in this human hierarchy, he's not going to be able to survive that much pain and hurt.

She looks up again, the pain and hurt gets less and she longs to climb her way up. She tries to move again, she tries to push the hand on her chest away. She claws this hand but it didn't budge, not even a little.

She starts to struggle frantically and her screams were silent. Her tears were tears of blood. All that pain, misery and hurt.

At the verge of giving up, she sees a man. He is free, free from the hierarchy, he is happy. But he's naked. She doesn't understand, but she starts to remove her clothes and the chains around her arms, feet and torso.

She leaves the man below her hanging and the man above her desperately tries to cling on to her. But as she removes her clothes, she's removing all the pain inflicted upon her and the guilt from inflicting it upon others. The red man then reaches for another woman and does the same as what he did to her.

She is naked, but she is free. And she can breathe. She can laugh. She feels the laughter roll out of her lips like a mother greeting her firstborn. Her tears are crystal; a sign of compassion. She feels the warmth in her cheeks return. She looks at this chain of people and the misery they are putting each other through. She feels for them, she wants to save them all.

She tries yelling at them, but they just won't listen. They are engulfed in their own pain and misery. 

"They won't listen," She gasps as she was caught by surprise. She turns around to see that it was the naked man earlier. "They like the pain and hurt, or one would think that they would at least look at us and see how free we are," she gives him a confused look. "None of them have the willpower to breakthrough this chain of misery and despair. Their quest for materialistic means have completely eaten them inside out. We can't save them, only they can save themselves."

She looks back at this chain and sees people hurting each other. None of them are helping anyone, they're all trying not to get to the bottom of the hierarchy and she can't help but feel sorry for them all.

Jeopardy

I remember how I was kayaking once around the mangrove, and there was a snake on the tree. I remember distinctively what it looked like, black with yellow spots (yes that stupid black and yellow song was playing on my mind at that time), and it was poisonous. Yes I was aware that if you got bitten the kayak people know what to do. In an attempt to show a friend the snake on the tree, I think I got a little excited, because he couldn't see the snake on the branch but I could. I somehow or rather wanted him to see the snake really badly, maybe it was that sense of relativity. You know how you like to be able to relate with people. Yeah. 

I don't know how but I think while trying to desperately show him the snake, I wasn't controlling my kayak and started drifting towards the tree. I didn't think much of it at first because I was quite relieved I was under the shadow of the tree. But when I realized I was right under the snake, I panicked. 

My heart was beating in my throat. I tried to calm myself down, I really did try. But it was so overwhelming that I started kayaking like a mad woman and everyone knows that if you're not steady while kayaking, the kayak won't really move anywhere. So at that moment I remembered this, and I desperately tried to stay calm. I remember how I couldn't breathe until I was far away from the tree, it felt like forever, the time I was holding my breath.

I think I almost cried, because I was so relieved I was out of danger, although it was probably nothing because the snake was probably sleeping on the branch.

Fear drove me to react in such a way and I was somewhat ashamed I had let fear drive me in such a way because I take pride in the fact that nothing will be able to scare me. Except the supernatural, dangerous animals and dangerous situations. Well, I've gotten over the fear of people, so that's an achievement I can be proud of.

But that moment under the tree, that panicky and my desperately trying to stay calm moment, I will never forget that. It made me rethink of my fears and how it will never actually get me anywhere. It literally didn't get me anywhere, haha, because the kayak hardly moved when I tried kayaking at a really fast pace!

Well, kayaking was fun, although after two hours my arms really hurt and my skin got really red because i was sunburned(especially my nose).

Saturday, 6 April 2013

The only relationship I’m working on right now.


This will be a short one because I have Chemistry staring at me in the face for the test on Monday and I really have to get back to Chemistry. Also, I just got my nails done, and I damaged it a little already, but oh well!

I value and cherish my personal time and space because I believe that is the only time I’m able to connect with myself and replenish my satisfaction and optimism with life.

Lately, I’ve been feeling that I haven’t been able to spend time alone due to exam stress and my lack of sleep. And I think because of that I have been feeling a little pissed off at life, lately. I mean, I don’t have the time to even remind myself that there are so many beautiful things in life to feel and see. How do I stay optimistic when currently I’m constantly being exposed to stress and other people’s problems when I’m not dealing with the problems I have.

 Feels like I’ve been giving the time to everything else and not myself when in actual fact I am the most significant part of my life. When I’m happy other people sense it, and the world will be a better place because happiness radiates and spreads! That’s something I truly hold on to.
Today I sort of had some time to myself after getting the laundry done and the floor swept to think about this. And as soon as I thought it, I turned on my laptop and currently just letting my thoughts flow. Yes, you’re currently reading my thoughts.

Even if I do spend time alone, just lying down in bed staring at the wall or sitting at my working space just staring at my ballerina sticker on the wall, it is usually pressed, like there is this constant pressure around my to just get up and get something done. I just won’t feel like I deserved or earned the time to be bumming around like that. As I’m saying this there is this constant annoying voice at the back of my head to check on my laundry, remove the bra off my lamp(I don’t even know how it got there, probably one of those days where I come back home and just throw my things on the bed and unhook my bra within a split second and just throw it somewhere) and to GET BACK TO CHEMISTRY!!!

I suppose this could be a self-realisation and a little reminder that I am as important and maybe even more important than my connectivity with people and the obligations I have. 

Most important obligation of all is to myself. I am responsible for my own welfare and self-satisfaction.

I keep telling myself that this will not last and this painful constant struggle against life will soon end and that I’ll be able to enjoy life just as it is by letting it flow in my veins as I breathe in fresh salty on the open beach as soon as I’m done with this. This keeps me going, this vision in my head, I’m almost there, I’m almost done with this and then I’ll have the liberty to work on myself. 

For now, I have the sleepover at my best friend’s place and city exploring with her to look forward to next week. Then the following week, my mates and I will be going to Holiday Villa Beach Resort at Cherating. Which reminds me that I need to get some shopping done(new bikini perhaps? Feeling pretty confident with the way I look right now, self-acceptance is a great thing! Eat as much as you and never have to worry about the way you look, now that is truly loving yourself, I can say that I’m almost there, hehe.). So many things to do. Studying for my major exam itself takes up 70% of my time, the other 30% to sleep, eat, bathe and do other miscellaneous things.

I know this would appeal to most of you with busy lifestyles. When was the last time you picked a book up or had a good belly laugh?

Needless to say I will not be taking on anymore projects or anything that will have to require me to spend less time with myself. And the only relationship I need to work on is with myself. I don’t need to take up a new relationship that would eat up a lot of my time, and I suppose the only relationship I will have right now is with family and friends. When I truly love myself, then I will allow someone else to love me. Also, when I truly love myself, then I think I would be able to love someone else as much as I do with myself. There aren’t many people that I truly love with all my heart, maybe that number would increase when I can learn to liberate myself from the prison society has placed around my head. I need to do this, for myself and for the people around me. I can’t give myself up to everything anymore, I just have absolutely no time to do anything.

This isn’t being self-centred, this is loving yourself.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Choice feminism and what I think of it.

What is choice feminism?
It is the idea that feminism allows and liberates women to make the choices they want to as a woman in this free(-ish) world. The problem? We are not in a free(-ish) world that liberates us from all sorts of objectification of women, and women are subjected to being a mere sexual object. The very fact that as a feminist we should "respect" the choices these women make to be treated as a sex object baffles me.
Women arguing for women that their anti-feminist behaviours is okay because "feminism is about choice."

Well, choice feminism would have had worked in the past where women actually didn't have much of a choice to do anything besides getting a good husband and producing a gazillion children(YUCKS!). Today it is used to justify choices women make that are detrimental and backwards and will hurt us as a society, and obviously the in the fight for equality.

The very idea of feminism is to bring about equality in social, economic and political terms.

Some ignorant fools claim that feminism is not really practical in this world because
a. Women are trying to beat men. 
Excuse you, do you understand the very essence of feminism? Equality!
b. We have already achieved equality.
I have gone through this statement a million times that it bores to death me to even look at/listen to it anymore. It is just plain ignorance in black and white. The women in Saudi Arabia are not allowed to drive(Manal al-Sharif is fighting against this of course and LO AND BEHOLD, she was put in prison when she drove in an act of "defiance" in May 2011. Remind me to come up with a blog post about her soon.). They also give tracking devices out so their male spouses can track them "just in case." Inhumane much? I get a GAG REFLEX whenever someone gives me this BULLSHIT statement.
c.Feminists are anti-men.
This was the image created in America in the 1970s when the women who protested on the streets were men-hating lesbians. I'm sorry to say, a feminist respects equal rights. She/He does not hate men. What kind of a fight is that? Fighting hatred with hatred. 

I'm deviating from the topic here, I can write an entire book about feminism if given the time, energy and money(what? I can't live off biscuits!).

What I used to think about choice feminism?
I thought it was OK. In fact I didn't come across this word until today. And as soon as I did. I got disgusted by it and yes, here I am ranting it out in my blog post, letting my thoughts flow. Also, it was another reason to update my blog and that I love writing.
I used to think that women should be given the ability to make her own choices, but never did I imagine that this "choice" was subject to so much abuse.

For example, you're watching Miss Universe and someone says "as a feminist, shouldn't you be angry at that fact that they're being portrayed in such a way?" In which I would reply, "well, it is their choice to do what they want to,"
Where are our strong, independent women? Do we have reality shows on them? No, instead we get Real Housewives. The show that not only puts women at home, but celebrates their life as "fabulous" and "so full of drama"
*shivers*

What I now think of choice feminism.
Yes, we may celebrate the fact that women are sort of free(-ish) to make their own choices, but that doesn't mean we should applaud specific choices that are CLEARLY perpetuating sexist standards. However, it is important to remember that choice is about being responsible with what we do, but we'll get on that later.
This choice feminism is backward and gives us a reason not to choose the path to empowerment and slowly we're going back into our shells and medieval thinking. Lol, no, we're too far ahead to go back to the mentality of that era. I was dramatizing it.
This choice feminism gives women to support and give in to a patriarchal system, which is in fact the root of all crimes and slanders against women. I will NEVER support a patriarchal system, NEVER. It deprives women the small amount of power that the world offers. 
Choice feminism concept comes from people who are defensive about doing something with an ambiguous status as it relates to sexism. 
The history of sexism is so complex and ingrained that sometimes the only best thing we can do is to be aware of it.

Women wearing make up.
Women dressing up.
Women portrayed on billboards.
Women's sports.
There are some examples in society where women are highly sexualized.

I know my argument goes to show that there are "bad feminists" out there. AH women, constantly having to stress out about doing the right thing, now I come up with this ranting of mine and you're stuck at wondering what IS really the right thing to do?

Do what you want to do, ladies. It really is your life. You shouldn't have to justify whatever you do. It shouldn't be about passing judgement on how feminist particular individuals are. Each person must weigh their options and make the choices that make the most sense to them in their lives. That doesn't meant you're sexist or anti-feminist.
Until the woman who doesn't prioritize appearance gets taken just as seriously in just the same contexts, it’s a privileged choice to achieve certain standards of beauty. You may be doing what you love, but you’re also doing what you’re told.
There’s nothing wrong with YOU for making that choice -- you’re doing what it takes to get by, and if you like it, you’re enjoying your good luck. But there’s something wrong when other options engender so much hostility or disdain.

I'm not trying to tell you to live your life by a certain standard. I'm trying to give you genuine, valid, supported opinions.




I suppose the real distinction here is between celebrating increased freedom of choice for women and celebrating every choice that women make.

Feminism is a form of activism and activism is about changing society. Rosa Parks wouldn’t be called a civil rights activist if she “chose” to sit on the back of the bus.

I wrote an entire essay before coming up with that statement. Gosh, wouldn't it have had been easier to come up with that first?
I'm done ranting out my thoughts for today.

Peace out, y'all!

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Update on ze braces

Well, life is pretty good. Things have been going well, my smile seems to get brighter and I'm happy.


The bottom picture is the most recent one. It doesn't hurt anymore. I find that it usually only hurts for a week, then you won't feel it anymore. 

See! I look nicer when I smile now! And I can flash my million-dollar smile all the time!

Peace out, y'all!