This will be a short one because I have Chemistry staring at me in the face for the test on Monday and I really have to get back to Chemistry. Also, I just got my nails done, and I damaged it a little already, but oh well!
I value and cherish my personal time and space because I believe that is the only time I’m able to connect with myself and replenish my satisfaction and optimism with life.
Lately, I’ve been feeling that I haven’t been able to spend time alone due to exam stress and my lack of sleep. And I think because of that I have been feeling a little pissed off at life, lately. I mean, I don’t have the time to even remind myself that there are so many beautiful things in life to feel and see. How do I stay optimistic when currently I’m constantly being exposed to stress and other people’s problems when I’m not dealing with the problems I have.
Feels like I’ve been giving the time to everything else and not myself when in actual fact I am the most significant part of my life. When I’m happy other people sense it, and the world will be a better place because happiness radiates and spreads! That’s something I truly hold on to.
Today I sort of had some time to myself after getting the laundry done and the floor swept to think about this. And as soon as I thought it, I turned on my laptop and currently just letting my thoughts flow. Yes, you’re currently reading my thoughts.
Even if I do spend time alone, just lying down in bed staring at the wall or sitting at my working space just staring at my ballerina sticker on the wall, it is usually pressed, like there is this constant pressure around my to just get up and get something done. I just won’t feel like I deserved or earned the time to be bumming around like that. As I’m saying this there is this constant annoying voice at the back of my head to check on my laundry, remove the bra off my lamp(I don’t even know how it got there, probably one of those days where I come back home and just throw my things on the bed and unhook my bra within a split second and just throw it somewhere) and to GET BACK TO CHEMISTRY!!!
I suppose this could be a self-realisation and a little reminder that I am as important and maybe even more important than my connectivity with people and the obligations I have.
Most important obligation of all is to myself. I am responsible for my own welfare and self-satisfaction.
I keep telling myself that this will not last and this painful constant struggle against life will soon end and that I’ll be able to enjoy life just as it is by letting it flow in my veins as I breathe in fresh salty on the open beach as soon as I’m done with this. This keeps me going, this vision in my head, I’m almost there, I’m almost done with this and then I’ll have the liberty to work on myself.
For now, I have the sleepover at my best friend’s place and city exploring with her to look forward to next week. Then the following week, my mates and I will be going to Holiday Villa Beach Resort at Cherating. Which reminds me that I need to get some shopping done(new bikini perhaps? Feeling pretty confident with the way I look right now, self-acceptance is a great thing! Eat as much as you and never have to worry about the way you look, now that is truly loving yourself, I can say that I’m almost there, hehe.). So many things to do. Studying for my major exam itself takes up 70% of my time, the other 30% to sleep, eat, bathe and do other miscellaneous things.
I know this would appeal to most of you with busy lifestyles. When was the last time you picked a book up or had a good belly laugh?
Needless to say I will not be taking on anymore projects or anything that will have to require me to spend less time with myself. And the only relationship I need to work on is with myself. I don’t need to take up a new relationship that would eat up a lot of my time, and I suppose the only relationship I will have right now is with family and friends. When I truly love myself, then I will allow someone else to love me. Also, when I truly love myself, then I think I would be able to love someone else as much as I do with myself. There aren’t many people that I truly love with all my heart, maybe that number would increase when I can learn to liberate myself from the prison society has placed around my head. I need to do this, for myself and for the people around me. I can’t give myself up to everything anymore, I just have absolutely no time to do anything.
This isn’t being self-centred, this is loving yourself.